Lake Powell 2010 – Team III
Dates: Thursday, April 15th to Saturday, April 17th, 2010
Place: Navajo Canyon, Glen Canyon National Recreation Area
People: Jonathan, Rick, Calvin, Shelley, Daniel, Ram & Me
The Pre-Departure
Lake Powell 2010 was something I was both dreading and anticipating since Lake Powell 2009 occurred. Seeing my name on the calendar for 2010 while the Powelling 2009 was taking place filled me with dread. At that time I had not even commenced the Charlotte M. Vaillancourt Baby Steps to Canyoneering course, and the prospect of multiple days on the lake in canyons horrified me. However, as the months wore on I became (secretly) much more excited about the prospect of going, and saddened when I received the email notice that I had been removed from my Lake Powell Guide Shift. Oh well, some other time…maybe, I thought.
Then Jonathan’s email arrived.
Lake Powell would happen in 2010. Suddenly, I had to make a decision. I chose to take the path of least resistance so that I would not have to make a choice: I would simply volunteer to work for anyone else who wanted to attend. I believed that was the easiest way to get me out of going, despite how much I wanted to go. I spent a lot of time rationalizing why I should not be there, and largely the one thing that I came back to continually was that I did not want to hinder anyone else’s experience while there.
Eventually (as I expected would happen) Calvin started talking to me about going on this trip. I will not go into the specifics of the often heated discussions about me going, but one line from Calvin that stuck with me was, “Charlotte, you do not need to be a martyr.” Long story short, things worked out that I was able to go. However, I had a new problem to confront: I had to determine whether I was going for myself or simply going to ensure that Calvin would stop talking to me about it. (I viewed it more as lecturing). For a while I thought that I was going for Calvin, but eventually I realized that I was going for me. I cannot remember when exactly this change of heart occurred, simply that it happened. This was something I needed to do, more importantly, I wanted to do. Two things continued to plague me as the departure date approached:
1. The fear of hindering the experience of others
2. If I have yet to be successful in Snake Alley, how could I begin to be successful at Lake Powell?
As the date of the departure approached, I seriously considered offering to Jonathan and Rick that since I was (at that point) the sole member of Team III, there was no reason for them to stay at the Lake just for me: Once again, an attempt to get out of going. Then Shelley and Daniel added on, and it was reassuring to hear from Shelley that she had many of the same fears about her first Powelling as I did. Suddenly, my anticipation for the trip was real. Water and red rocks are two of my favorite things. My view of Lake Powell has always been heavily influenced by Edward Abbey, I must admit. The first book I checked out from the library when I moved to Springdale, ironically, was The Monkey Wrench Gang. I had no idea what it was about; I just found the title curious.
As soon as I was feeling good about the trip something would happen that would destroy any hope I had about the days on the Lake. A major confidence destroyer happened at Lamb’s Knoll four days before the Team III departure. Calvin decided that we would do a reverse Snake Alley by working our way up from the bottom. I was game, feeling confident from the 10 feet I climbed at Snow Canyon on the Breakfast Nook route the day before. As we are all keenly aware, Calvin makes things look disgustingly easy. Moreover, he repeatedly instructed me to put my feet on these small, practically non-existent pieces of rock. Right Calvin, as if that piece of sandstone is really going to help in any capacity. I as struggled to stem along the rock to get past the narrowest point of the slot, the tears began to flow. I fell repeatedly, frustrated greatly with everything, satisfied with nothing. My only success of the venture seemed to be landing on my feet, like a cat as Calvin said.
Calvin’s patience through the event was remarkable, when I can consider it in retrospect. At that time I was furious at him for allowing me to fail, and to fail repeatedly. I hated him at that point, especially since he knows what limited canyoneering abilities I have. Could he not see that once again I was failing at Snake Alley, something he had already witnessed before? Moreover, I was frustrated with myself for failing. My attitude that I brought back from Israel that if I can successfully navigate the bus system in a country where I speak neither of the two primary languages I can do anything was not working. Getting back to the car was a highlight of that Snake Alley (mis)adventure.
D-Day at Stateline Marina
By Thursday I was feeling good about going. I was excited about the prospect of crossing 2 things off of my 30 by 30 list, which is comprised of 30 things to do before I turn 30 in September. I wanted to canyoneer at Lake Powell, and the more unlikely of the two, do a first descent of a canyon. Things were going well until I find out Calvin was coming. It was difficult to try and hide my apprehension over that announcement. I had been excited at the prospect of a Calvin-free trip as he had seen too much of my failures of late: stemming, climbing, pita bread making. I simply could not bear to have him see me fail again. Besides I felt that Calvin set unrealistic expectations for me in a lot of areas, which is hard to do considering how high my expectations are for myself already.
As I nervously sipped my Frosty from the Kanab Wendy’s, I tried to think of anything other than my impending doom. I considered that at that point I still had the ability to return to Springdale with Team II. But would that be the best option? Life sort of became like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books right then, the ones that are so cool in about 3rd grade, but by 4th grade you are sort of ashamed to have read them. I could choose from:
· Page 36: Return to Springdale in a gear-crowded white LandCruiser always wondering what would have happened.
· Page 58: Get on a canyoneering gear laden Tritoon with a boat captain wearing a Reagan Republican t-shirt, which is both a bold political and fashion statement.
Obviously, I choose page 58, not without considerable trepidation, however. As we sped along to base camp, I felt as though I was woefully ill-prepared from a gear standpoint. I second guessed everything I brought. Packing for these 2 days required more from a weight perspective than what I took for 2 months in Israel. Thinking about packing was the only way I could attempt to keep my sanity.
‘Oh no…HELL no!’ I thought to myself loudly as Jonathan discussed Friday’s adventure to us. The announcement that clean canyoneering was done in Glen Canyon was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted bolts to rappel off of, not sand. I did not come here for that or to die for that matter. As I headed to the Groover that night, I was livid. ‘Where is the operational transparency here?!?!? That is something I should have known before I left! I would have not come had I known!’ Jonathan was not my favorite person right then. But it is hard to stay mad for long at someone who takes such pride in wearing women’s sunglasses he found in the ZAC lost and found, ones that make him oddly resemble Bono from a mid-1990s U2 video.
All night I had a song I learned as a young child in Sunday School running through my head. It is based on some verses in Matthew, I think, about two men. One of the men is wise and builds his house on rock for a firm foundation. The other is foolish, and he builds his house on sand, and when the rains came his house washed away. All night the lyrics for me said how wise people rap off of bolted anchors and foolish people rap off of sand. It did not help in the instilling confidence department in the least. Before I left Springdale I thought about my mantras from when I did Pine Creek last November. I wanted them to work at Powell, but that seemed increasingly unlikely. The mantras were:
· I will not let fear and anxiety hinder my progression.
· No tears.
The Canyon Descent
Stepping off of the Canyon Queen on Friday morning made me feel like a lamb going to the slaughter. Moreover, seeing Rick drive away made everything so final. Never had I been so sad to see a Republican Fox News fan leave. From this point forward I was committed. As much as I did not want to do this, I said I had to do at least one canyon while on this trip. My limited canyoneering skills would be stretched to their capacity, as I had never clean canyoneered before, never dealt with potholes, and I had only done canyons that are frequently travelled (i.e. Pine Creek and Keyhole). Only just now have I considered the implications of doing a first descent of a canyon. There is a lot more uncertainty present than I ever thought.
Ram seemed to be cognizant of my discomfort regarding the whole rappelling of sand bag thing more than the others. He attempted to reassure me about the security of sand because of its weight. Little at that point could dissuade me from believing anything except that it was an insanely foolhardy thing to do.
Key moments from the day were:
· Successful rappels: Rappelling, once the major canyoneering nemesis, is no longer! Even having to rappel into a willow tree was no big deal. I did my longest rappel to date of approximately 120 feet, which by ZAC standards is rather small. Perhaps part of the success can be attributed to the fact that I did not use an autoblock, something with which I still struggle.
· First descent, baby!: Black Beauty aka Black Stallion Canyon.
· Sand traps & meat anchors: One of my primary concerns was something that turned out to be no big deal. Having to deal with potholes drew my attention from the fact I was rappelling off of sand or Ram or Daniel. When it is heavy and wet, sand seems to do an awesome job of being an anchor.
· Potholes: I immediately developed an intense hatred for potholes, which is an apt name for them. Needless to say almost immediately my second mantra failed me, and the first one was often not far behind. I was seriously tempted to turn back, hike back down, and wait for Rick’s return. But obviously, I did not, a choice for which I am grateful. Despite my dislike of them I dealt with them, sometimes not with as much grace as I should have. At one point I accused Jonathan of lying to me, for which I apologize. Ultimately, I need to work with them more. Maybe a course just on potholes would be in order in the future.
· Relationships (Ram): Having Ram there was rather intimidating at first; after all he is known in canyoneering circles and wrote the introduction to the seminal work, Zion: Canyoneering. For some reason I oddly felt that him seeing me on this trip would negatively impact his view of Zion Adventure Company, which is not what I wanted to have happen. (I envisioned him thinking of me, ‘Do they hire just anyone off the street now?’). But just as Shelley had said, he is just a big teddy bear. His patience was phenomenal, and his simple explanations aided me greatly, especially since I feel that I must knew the big picture before I feel I can safely proceed, especially with gear and technical equipment.
· Relationships (Calvin): Looking back on Lake Powell now that almost three weeks have passed, despite my initial displeasure and anxiety over his last-minute arrival, there was a lesson there that I may not have learned any other way. While I never liked how Calvin had previously pushed me (thinking that his expectations of me were too high), I realize that he saw my capacity, and attempted to help me see that. I was too blinded by what I perceived to be a negative thing, when it was the complete opposite. He saw something in me I could not see in myself, and I viewed his efforts to help me see that as him as a standard that I needed to meet in order to even be his friend. In reality, everything he did simply came from a place of unconditional love, caring, and compassion.
· Relationships (Daniel): When I first met Daniel in training, I was not exactly sure what to make of him. But I have since learned that he is pretty awesome. It was reassuring to have another canyoneering novice there with me. It was impressive how he approached things with (what appeared to be at least) no hesitation or trepidation.
· Relationships (Shelley): One thing I had hoped would happen is that I would get to know Shelley on a deeper level. Sometimes I think that our relationship is so cursory, and that significant potential and benefit for both of us could be gleaned if we both opened up. While I love talking about our mutual love for Golden Retrievers, I really want to get to know her better. Several times during the Friday night boat discussions, I wanted to say, “Shelley, what do you think or feel about this?” but obviously that did not happen, which I regret. She seems to want such transparency from us in the shop, it would be great to see some of that from her as well. It would simply benefit us all.
· Relationships (Rick): I greatly appreciated that Rick spoke up for me Friday afternoon when the discussion about Saturday’s canyon began. Had he not, I’m sure I would have had to go, and the words “exposed climbing” did nothing to quell my fears about that day. Before he spoke up, I contemplated how un-ZAC it was that the decision about me going was seemingly not my own. I thought, ‘How many points of the We Believe… statement would this violate?’ It was also curious to hear his theory about how much how a person rappels is a representation of who they are. Thinking about it, it really is true. I’m glad that I’m meticulous like an accountant.
· Relationships (Jonathan): Jonathan outside of his world between 111 Juniper Lane and 36 Lion Boulevard is completely different. I began to learn this on the hike out of Pine Creek with Rob last November. A few times, I turned back to Rob my mouth wide open, speechless about what I was hearing Jonathan say. Perhaps the farther he is removed from his insular 5-block world that Jonathan comes out even more. Though sometimes shocking, I like that Jonathan a lot. It’s almost endearing in a way. One of my favorite things he said on the trip in reference to his iPhone was, “Anyone who says this has GPS, is a G-ddamn liar.” I smile every time I think of that. I think a little part of me died, however, when he said to me, “Trust the traction, Charlotte. A man in Southern Utah built his whole business around the traction of these shoes.” Oh Jonathan.
Sunday Morning
Perhaps the most significant lesson I will take away from my days at Lake Powell happened Sunday morning at the shop. Calvin and I brought some gear to the store for cleaning. The gear was rank, and the trunk of my car smelled like something had died in there. After we cleaned it, we sat on one of the benches, and began discussing the prior three days, of which frankly there was a lot to be said. I was probably not as present as I should have been at that point, but one thing that Calvin said pierced me. He said, “Charlotte, what to do you need others to do for you to help the real Charlotte come out? How can we help you be more open? Because when that happens, everyone will benefit.”
Wow.
The transparency I seek in people is not what I do for myself or them. I’m somewhere between translucent and opaque.
For weeks, I thought about that comment. Calvin and I discussed it a few times since then. For a while I thought that I simply needed to be open on my own terms, but then it became painfully apparent that that has been happening all along, and I was not becoming any more open. Only recently did I realize that I had to answer a different question first in order to begin to respond to the question Calvin posed: Why am I so closed off to people? Answer: I do not want to be hurt (which has happened before), opening up creates vulnerability, and being closed to people something I can control.
While I am still not sure how to proceed to become more open, I am willing to try. I’m unsure how being open will benefit others, however. Perhaps 2010 will be a year of unsurpassed personal growth and development because of just a few sentences from Calvin.
I’m on my way to find out.
(Editor’s note: No Macs were used in the production of this trip report, which was lovingly typed on a laptop PC using Microsoft Word.)
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